I've arrived at the point in my life where I found the big, red RESET button.
I think I've been fairly closed off about this here, but I am chronically ill and have been severely depressed for several years. The fucking medication...well, I won't get too into it. If you are a details person, I have Crohn's disease, and wikipedia will tell you much more about it than I ever want to know. It is uncool, and having to turn off my immune system to stay alive sucks ass. I was diagnosed 5-6 years ago but had symptoms for several years before that while in school. I'm sick enough that basically everything in my life revolves around how shitty I feel in the moment, because I never feel well.
So after years of this and the hopeful (expected?) temporary remission that usually comes around 5 years or so (but didn't), I'm done. Houston is like living in hell. I can't go outside for more than 10 minutes without being wiped out and on the couch for the rest of the day - let alone go outside and take my kid to the park. And my wife, God bless her, has taken the brunt of my depression and apathy for a long time. I always thought I knew what depression was until it happened to me. Not emotionally, but chemically. Some of the drugs I was taking early on had an unavoidable side-effect - six weeks of chemical depression as you wean off them. It was only that experience, really, that helped me recognize (years later) that I had been depressed for a very long time while sick, probably years. Relatively speaking, I'm a thousand times better than I was a year ago; a million times better than two years ago.
And so now, after all of this, I get to start over (mostly). Houston is a terrible place to live if you have my disease - air quality, heat, humidity, pollution, allergens, the list goes on and fucking on. So finally at the recommendation of my doctor, I am packing up my family and getting the fuck out of here. We are moving to Colorado in a few weeks.
I do technical shit with computers to make money, but all I really want to do is write. In case no one knew. I mostly write fiction (and poetry and essays) but that's really all I want to do, make enough money writing to keep writing. I don't even care if it's terrible (that is the biggest lie I've ever written on this board, I am terrified of failure). But I will keep doing it. I asked my company if they would let me work remotely, expecting them to fire me like the morons they are, but they agreed. To be fair, they need me more than I need them. My wife is the one who can survive in corporate America, not me. I'm getting out as soon as I can. And that might have been right now, I almost just gave up my entire career to spend hours a day writing; the last work I published was in NYC ten years ago. But they agreed so I'm going to work remotely until I can just raise my kids and write and spend time with my family. That's all I really want to do.
It's been a long time coming even though I couldn't see it, but I'm about to plant stakes in Fort Collins. By August, it will be done. Everything about the climate in Colorado is a quality of life improvement for me. It's almost like I don't even feel sick sometimes; very odd but very noticeable. The elevation, the dry air, the temperature, everything feels better. I can ride a bike again. I've missed the seasons. The streets are wide. I have no commute. 20 minutes takes me across town, not down the street. God, the traffic. I can't wait to live in a smaller house in a smaller town. I cannot wait to slow my life down.
So...I didn't really mean to burden all of you with my life story. It just kind of spilled out as I started writing about CO. It's cool, I'm not looking for anything. This is the reason I don't have anything like facebook or whatever, I would never post anything like this. But I feel a real loyalty to this place, and I trust the people here. If you ever wondered why I love this board...well. If I took the time to go back over this I'd probably delete the whole sappy thing, but it feels good to write it down, and I don't want to get self-conscious by thinking too much about it.
So, the RESET button is taking me to Fort Collins. Nothing is packed and I'm more stressed than I've ever been in my life.
Everything is as good as it could possibly be.
when I was a boy
everything was right